Have Enough Courage To Trust Love One More Time

This is my first blog post ever. The words in the title of my blog have inspired me to start writing, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time” …so it only seems fitting to blog about that quote.

They say when you love someone set them free, and if they come back it was meant to be…what they didn't say is that it would be so impossibly hard. You know it’s hard when going to school and work is actually better than being at home, because your mind is distracted. You know it’s hard when eating becomes a chore, rather than something you enjoy; when you literally gag on your food as you force it down because your body physically does not want it. You know it’s hard when every song on the radio makes you cry, because every song reminds you of him. You know it’s hard when sleeping becomes the only escape; but then falling asleep is impossible without staining your pillow with tears. You know it’s hard when you put make-up on each morning just so that you have an excuse not to cry when you’re in public. You know it’s hard when you hear a new song on the radio, or have a new life experience and the only person you are excited to share it with is him…and now you can’t.

Letting go of the one I love might be the hardest thing I've done in my twenty-two years of life. It is a new kind of heartbreak for me. I have had my heart broken at least a handful of times, it is something I thought I was used to; something that might have even gotten easier each time, until I was the one who had to pull myself out of the equation. Breaking up with someone was a foreign concept to me.

Let me back track a little. Relationships have always been my forte. Being vulnerable is second nature to me. Loving others, for me, is like the phrase, “It’s like riding a bike.” Because relationships have always been my strong point, I have always been able to give one hundred and ten percent of my heart. I am always willing to commit and to make relationships work until the other person decides that it is not working, which always leaves me as the one being broken up with.

The last few months, I was in the perfect relationship: so much love, joy, laughter, compatibility, approval of best friends and family members, inside jokes, the perfect first date, beautiful kisses, understanding, listening to the radio for hours, talking for hours, doing nothing for hours and enjoying every minute of it. It was bliss. I found myself searching Pinterest for cheesy love quotes like these:

The downside of this relationship…I was sharing him with another girl. Yep, you heard right, I was dating someone who was dating two people. We all knew it, there were no secrets. The thing that amazed me most is there was not one time when I was jealous. I didn't care that he was dating another girl because he needed to figure out who it was he wanted to date and if it took kissing us both to figure it out then I thought it was fine. Like I said, there were no secrets, so I knew exactly how he felt about both of us. And to be honest, I felt pretty confident in knowing how he felt about me, so I wasn't worried about being his second choice.

Last week, I went out with him on Monday night adding another perfect date to our list. Then on Tuesday, he went on a date with the other girl, and for some reason, it hit me that night…I was dating someone who was dating two people! It was so hard; I didn't want to share him anymore. But I also knew that if I gave him an ultimatum, I would be doing the exact opposite of what he wanted. He needed time to make the decision. He didn't want to end his relationship with either of us, we were two of his best friends, and dating one of us meant losing the other. I also know that he hates hurting people and choosing one would be breaking the other’s heart. And in any outcome, his heart would break too.  

Then came Wednesday. I woke up that morning feeling emotionally sick. I couldn't eat breakfast without gagging on every bite. Sitting in school was torture, focusing on lectures was impossible. I knew I had to talk to him, so we Skyped that night. I explained to him how I was feeling and how hard it was for me. He was feeling the same way the entire day. He knew he needed to change something because he was hurting both of us as he was delaying his decision. After talking for about ten minutes, I told him to date the other girl.

Before saying goodbye, I sent him the lyrics from Jason Mraz’s song, I won’t give up, which say, “and when you’re needing your space to do some navigating, I’ll be here patiently waiting to see what you find.”

I love him. It is that simple. He needs to take the time to figure out if it will work with the other girl. If we date in the future, I don’t want him ever wondering “what if.” So I set him free. I hope he comes back, I hope that it was meant to be.

But the most important part is what I have learned. I have learned to trust love again. I trusted him after feeling like I should give up on love. I learned that life is too short to let jealousy interrupt it, so I didn't let it. I learned that I can be treated like a queen, because he treated me better than I ever thought I deserved. I learned that I can be confident; he helped me feel beautiful, and he helped me feel thin. I learned that being happy makes hard times worth enduring. I learned to trust God. I learned to fight for what you love, and I will not stop fighting.

One of my dear friends once told me, “Some people are preparers. Some people keep you occupied till the timing is right. Some people teach you lessons you needed to learn before things can work out with the right somebody. If you live right and follow what feels right, things will end up right.” He then told me a story about his life and how it related to this situation, he said “Life was like a maze. I didn't know what was at the end or how to get there. Huge hedges surrounded me and I didn't know what turns to take. I felt like I was guided. But sometimes it felt like I was going backwards, like I wasn't making any progress. Sometimes I felt like my perspective was widened...like I had more of an aerial view. And I understood why some of those things happened. But if I had known who was at the end of that maze, I would have tried to climb the walls and get there as soon as possible. But then I would have found that the timing was wrong. And it wouldn't have worked out.”

So I am walking around in one of life’s mazes and I am exactly where I need to be. I’ll be here, patiently waiting, but actively living, walking through the maze, and never looking back. 

Life is beautiful. Love is beautiful.

And I have the courage to trust love one more time.

 P.S. I used to say his smile melts me. That is still so true. #puddlegirl